Fate

I have a ton of reading to do for school...I had to read 55 pages of Dracula, 90 pages of The Penelopiad, 1/2 a Harry Potter book, and 40 pages of Greek philosophy over the weekend. -sigh- And that's just the literary stuff. I have dry textbooks to read too! Surprisingly though, I'm really enjoying it. Last semester, I didn't really get to read that much literature and philosophy so it's kind of nice to be able to this semester. I'm finally feeling like an English major!

Speaking of Greek philosophy though...Have you heard of the concept of "fate?" In my book, there's this hilarious pretend conversation between Zeus and Cyniscus. Unfortunately, I can't find it on the internet to share with you guys. :-( If you can find it, read it!

Anyways, these two are having a conversation about fate and how everything we do has already been planned for us. Basically, we have no say in how we live because three women in the sky have already laid out our entire lives for us.

I am sorry, but I think that is bullshit...We abolutely have a say in how we live our lives. We choose whether we become good or not-so-good people. However, the ancient Greeks think that everything is planned out for us.

The ancient Greeks also believed in a sort of "Heaven" and an "Underworld." Naturally, the people who were good were rewarded and the bad people punished. Think about this for a second...

So if we have absolutely no say whether we lead virtuous or vicious lives, then how can we be sorted into the afterlife fairly? We can't, because we didn't choose to do those bad or good things, the fates forced us to do them.

And that's when Zeus storms away from the conversation, haha.

The idea of fate intrigues me though because it would control even the Gods. Cyniscus asked another interesting question: what controls the fates? Is anything above it?

It sparks some very interesting writerly thoughts...

High Expectations

Today, the Gally Aqua Bison had a swim meet, in which I swam the 200 IM, 100 Back, and 100 Free in the 400 relay. We were all whipped back into shape after a long break during Hell Week, where we had two 2 hour practices a day. It wasn't really Hell since I was one of the few that actually practiced during the break.

I also did really well during Hell Week. I certainly improved, I know I did so I set goals for the meet: I wanted to go under three minutes for the 200 IM (my previous time was 3:05). I also had a goal for the 100 Back to go under 1:20 (my previous time was 1:21). I didn't really have a goal for the 100 Free except to just swim fast, whoo hoo! They seemed reasonable because after all, I had been doing so well in practice.

For the 200 IM, I ended up getting a time of 3:03 and for the 100 Back, I ended up getting a time of 1:20. My goals were not accomplished even though my times did go down. I should have been happy, but instead, I was very dissapointed in myself. I was working my ass off in practice and my body did not deliver.

I understand that my body is not normal and that it takes so much longer for me to dispay improvement than a normal person because of my disease. That's why I work harder than most of my teammates. Still...I was very dissapointed in myself. It makes me wonder if I set expectations that are way too high. I want to break a record by my senior year, which means I'll have to drop 55 seconds from my 200 IM time, and like, 25 seconds from my 100 Back time. Things aren't looking up for me right now even though I have been dropping seconds at each meet.

My high expectations don't apply to just swimming, but life. I want my Ph.D, I want to swim the English Channel, become a published author, and so many other things...But am I getting my hopes up?

I certainly hope not. Those things are the things I want to do though, and in order to reach those goals, I will do what I have done my entire life: work hard.

For the upcoming meet, I will be swimming the 200 Fly...I have a goal: (3:29), and I intend to reach that goal.

A quick shout out to all my teammates: you all kicked ass out there today, and I am proud of you all!

School Shootings...And Rats

Rats have always gave me the creeps with their long, disgusting tails, red eyes, and greasy black fur. The stories I hear about them gross me out too. One time, I read a book called "Johnny Got His Gun" and there was a story about a rat eating a soldier's face in the trenches of WWI. Ick. Sometimes they even show up in my dreams and when they do, it's always a bad sign. They showed up in a dream of mine last night:

I'm in a kindergarten classroom, sitting down on the floor with kids half my size. However, I feel like I fit in and the only thing I dislike about the place is the rats in the courtyard...There's about thirty of those giant wharf rats in the middle of a green courtyard that you can see through our open door. Sometimes they even run into the classroom, and when they do, we have to chase them down and throw them out. I hate it when they do that.

But then something else comes into the classroom, and it's not a rat, but a man with a gun. He starts to shoot all my classmates, but I do not see his face or the gun. The young teacher covers me with her body and I cover a little boy's with mine. The three of us are all in this pathetic, hopeless dogpile.

The man ends up shooting the teacher in the heart and the boy I was shielding in the head. I survive the shooting with a gunshot wound to the shoulder.

Afterwards, I run to my father for comfort and reassurance.

The metaphorical resonance of the dream is astounding...It's obviously about my long-suppressed feelings about the shooting in Connecticut. 

I know, I know...The children! It's so horrible! Yeah, I know everybody feels for them, but a lot of the time, I can't help but feel like their cries aren't genuine. They all say the same thing: It's absolutely horrible! There are no words to describe this tragedy. I saw it repeated over and over on facebook and the news. There's no depth or variability to their words. I know people are telling the truth when they say that what happened is awful, but I feel like no one has the right to say those things...They don't know them. I don't have the right to tell people how I feel about it...So I stay quiet. I never say anything and always change the topic when it comes up.

The magazines are the worst. I'm reading these articles about how these children were great people and that all of their last words were "I Love You." Those magazines can dress up their deaths all they want, but it'll never be enough. People can express all the grief in the world and you know what? It still wouldn't be enough because they were ALIVE and nothing can possibly describe being alive and then being not alive.

How do you feel about the outpouring of grief towards this event?

My New Years Resolution

I've kind of been ignoring my writerly duties due to my scholarly duties, but that's all going to change! Page by Paige will get back on track...Hopefully. I've never been good with my resolutions. I will do my best though! I have a goal to post at least once a week, which is perfectly achievable.

The topic for this week is "The Matrix." During my break, I watched the trilogy with my family because the last time I watched it (when I was about 9) I did not understand it. There's so much metaphorical resonance to it that I get why my nine-year-old self was confused.

But man! What an idea! It kind of makes you question what "real" really is. If you think about it for too long, you could go insane.

Some people have made it into a religion: "Matrixism." To them, we're all waiting around for the red pill, waiting to realize the truth. About 16,000 people are part of this religion. 16,000 people believe that this world is just a computer program.

Who knows? Maybe it's true. Maybe the Matrix is not a computer program, but something else entirely. We don't know. All we know is what we sense and that is reality for now. I will continue to live and thrive in this reality while those 16,000 people are waiting. Maybe not all of them are waiting, but I'm trying to make a point here and that is while they wait, I will write and create realities of my own while in this reality.

I have a question. Are truths bestowed upon you or are they found?

Silly me...What is truth? What is it?

Mind=boggled. :-)